Hooptober 10.0 – Dracula 3000 (2004)

Being Film #5 for Hooptober 2023

Consider this a public service. I am going to waste as few words as possible on the dreck that is Dracula 3000, a quickie straight to cable cash grab that is exactly what you think it is: Dracula in space. The actual Dracula, he with the goth cape and frilly shirt. In space. In the year 3000. Fighting Casper Van Dien, Erika Elaniak, Coolio, and Tiny Lister. Is this what you want? Really? Then there’s nothing much I can do. Feel free to read on.

THE QUICK SUMMARY: I mean, it’s Dracula. In space. Fighting Casper Van Dien, Erika Elaniak, Coolio, and Tiny Lister. Do you really need more? Okay: throw in dashes of Alien and Jason X but with an almost incomprehensible script, terrible acting, and production effects that you can only get filming inside some warehouse. In the year 3000 the Mother III finds a derelict space vessel in the Carpathian Galaxy hiding toward Earth. Hoping to make a killing on the salvage, Captain Van Helsing (so help me, yes) and his crew hop on board only to find the crew dead and the actual Dracula roaming the ship looking for revenge. How do you stop a vampire in the blackness of space where there is no daylight? How do you stop Coolio from spouting some of the most sexist, horrific dialog this side of the Demeter?

The best thing I can say about Dracula 3000 is that’s a pretty damn cool poster. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the film, though. And I supposed as terrible as they both are, Tiny Lister and Coolio have a little bit of life in their roles.

Everything else? Utter disaster. This film looks terrible. I’m not even talking about the visual effects, which are cable TV bad but expected for a film like this. No, I’m talking about the actual look of the film. It’s just plain ugly, with nonsensical camera moves, weird double takes, and terrible blocking. Dracula himself is played like a community theater production who only has Love At First Bite for their knowledge of the creature of the night. Which frankly is an insult to Love At First Bite, which is a fantastic, fun movie.

That’s it. I have no desire to expend any more brain cells on what it quite possible the worst movie I’ve seen in decades. Dracula 3000. Do with it what you will.